Truly Terrible Two

At 2 years, 3 months and 24 days old, my daughter has been magically transformed into a head spinning, fist throwing, kicking and screaming little pain in the ass. It's as if someone came to her and whispered in her ear "YES, little Nova child, you ARE the ruler of the universe and don't ever let your mommy forget it for an instant." She has gone from my adorable little angel of a "mini-me" to vicious snarling spawn of satan in no time flat. It scares me.......it really does.

Apparently I've been living under some blissful delusion that my daughter would skip the entire Terrible Two's phase. I had somehow tricked myself into believing that my work as a mother was so outstanding, so vastly superior to all of the work of my predecessors, that she would just simply mature gracefully without ever questioning my authority. But then......with one look at her sprawled out in the middle of the floor in the Wonderbra section of The Bay, screaming bloody murder, my fantasy has been forever shattered. I am not a perfect mother......and I certainly don't have a perfect kid.

Exhibit A: As I am dressing the demon seed this morning, she hauls off and hits me in the face. I had told her that she needed to put on some pants and was attempting just that when she gets in my face and yells "No, YOU put on some pants!" The "YOU" was punctuated by her fist making full contact with my nose. I reeled backwards from the force of the blow. (At this point, the intense fury and rage causes time to slow down considerably and I have time to ponder my next move. Part of me wants to haul off and hit her back, part of me wants her to join a boxing gym.) What does a good mother do in this instance? Clearly I am not one, because I have NO clue. And so I do the worst possible thing.......I hit her back (softly) and say with all the force and conviction that I can muster "NO HITTING." Oh great......how confusing was that for the poor kid? Yell "NO HITTING" at the exact moment that my hand landed on her cheek. I think I have a lot to learn.

Exhibit B: Daycare has a policy about not drinking a bottle while playing. If you want to drink it then you have to be sitting down....(I know a few grown-ups who could benefit from this policy). So we arrive at daycare and the kid, bottle firmly planted in mouth, makes her way to the sandbox. Something just told me that this was going to be an ordeal, so I braced myself for the worst and asked her to hand it over. "NO." So I ask her to go and sit on the mat until she's finished with her juice. "NO." And so I try again.....and again. At this point I notice the daycare worker eyeing me up and down. She can tell I'm having trouble and is probably thinking to herself "No wonder this kid is such a little bitch, her mother has no control over her." I start sweating as my parenting skills are coming under direct fire from a professional. Do I snatch the bottle and run with it? Do I let the heathen child have her way? I was stuck. As the childcare worker made her way over to us, I braced myself for a lecture. Instead, she calmly asked my daughter if she wanted to finish her bottle. "Yes." Then, with the most silently forceful finger I have ever witnessed, she pointed to the mat. The satan spawn went and sat down. I think I need to get me a finger like that.

All I can say is....look out world. This is going to be a bumpy ride.